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Magickal Musings From Infinite Flame

July 30, 2014
Define "wicked".....

 

Grief

Hello again. Its been over two years since my last newsletter. For the first year, I just wasn't up to writing again. For the last year, I let myself procrastinate and make excuses for not starting them up again, even tho I had many people tell me how much they enjoyed my newsletters. So here I am, done with excuses and hiding. Its time to get back to doing what I love to do and to get creative again.

Those of you who know me personally, know why I stopped. Those who don't, here it is.

On August 30, 2011, my boyfriend of 18 years, Brian Smith, committed suicide by shooting himself. I always knew he would, I just didn't know when. He chose my father's 70th birthday. I don't think he was aware of the date, it just happened that day. We had a very weird "birthday dates meaning two things" going on. He had gotten married on July 11 (my sister's birthday). I met him when he was getting divorced, he filed on my birthday, August 13 (before he knew me, just a coincidence). His birthday is March 21, exactly a month from my brother's on February 21 and they were the same age. And lastly, he died on my dad's birthday.

When I say I knew he would, it is because of two things. 1. He was a depressed alcoholic who always talked about it and even told me he had the bullet set aside to do it with. He was very unhappy with life but unable, or unwilling, to do anything to make it better. He often told me I was the only reason he was still here, I was the only good thing in his life. He confided in me once that he actually had the gun out and ready to do it when he saw the picture of us on his dresser. I think that is why he didn't say good bye to me, or call me that day (he didn't do it until 3:00 in the afternoon). 2. I had heard the phone conversation in my head many times before that day. Someone saying " Can you come here, something's wrong with Brian." "What do you mean something's wrong".

You may wonder, how do you know something like this will happen and not do anything about it. Believe me, I tired to stop it. I had many conversations with him "you have so much to live for" "what do you think this would do to your family, to me?" "please get some help". But you can't force someone to get help, or to think differently. And his family didn't think he was serious. "Its just the alcohol talking" "he would never really do it" "he's fine".

He had actually quit drinking earlier that year. When my sister was in the hospital, he went to a doctor because of something he noticed with his hands and his face getting very red. He was a hypochondriac, always having some pain or lump to worry about. If someone said "I have that too" with the exact same symptoms, he would say "this is different". He convinced himself he was dying of something, even tho the doctor found nothing. It was all in his head. I spend every weekend that summer looking up symptoms for him, suggesting alternate treatments like herbs, he tried meditation, even let me use stones on him. When I did a chakra stone layout and used my pendulum to find where the energy was blocked, or weak, the only place it reacted was when placed over his head.

He would not get psychiatric help. His family believed only crazy people go to shrinks, and he wasn't crazy. What will the neighbors think? I'm not sure that would have made a difference. The doctor put him on stress pills, but not anti-depressants. I don't know why, no one has an answer for me. He wouldn't let me go to the doctor with him. I believe that he really did not enjoy life because of outside circumstances and didn't think he could change anything so he drank to escape. And the alcohol messed with his mind. Then when he quit, the loss of the alcohol that his body was so used to as he drank from the time he got up till he went to bed, messed his brain up more.

Surviving

Why would I tell you this? Because if you know someone who does not enjoy life, who uses alcohol or another drug to escape instead of making changes, and talks about suicide all the time (his friend says he was talking about it since he was 16), do whatever you can to provide support and urge them to get help or treatment. If you fail, at least you tried. I have peace of mind because I tried. I tried to help him, I was there for him, I did every thing I could in my power to help him though life. He made sure I knew that I made a difference in his life, that he loved me, those last couple of months. When we were together on the weekends he told me what I meant to him, how grateful he was for all I doing to help him. I didn't fail him, he failed me. He gave up, he left me to finish up this life alone. I was very angry at him for that. I think I still am. I'll never find love like that again, until the next life. He's been here in spirit with me often, I've seen him in meditations and journeys. But I'm only human, I'm still hurt and angry for what he did. I understand that his soul just couldn't take it anymore, he had to go.

So I can now use what I've been through to help others go through it. I got through those first few days remembering how my grandmother got through my grandfather's sudden death when I was a teenager. I kept thinking, if she could get through it, so can I. The best advice I can give is don't fight it, let it out. I was a mess the three days between his death and his funeral. I didn't hold it back. My family is used to me being the strong one, the rock. Well, the rock crumbled. My mom and my sister took turns being with me, trying to get me to eat. Helping me get through it. I cried more tears than I had my entire life before this. I cried so much my chest hurt the third day. There was only a two hour viewing before the funeral and about every 20 minutes I was crying again. I refused to see him in the casket (he shot himself in the head and his mother wanted an open casket, I think only because I wanted it closed). I did finally see him, from across the room. That was all I could do. But again, no matter how much it hurts, you must see the loved one in that coffin. It stops the "its all a bad dream" thoughts, the "there is some mistake" delusions. You can't deny it any more, and you can begin to move on. I only approached the coffin once it once closed, with my brother on one side and my sister on the other. I could barely walk into the room for the service.

If you know someone who is going through this, who lost their partner in life, the person they went to for support, check up on them. The pain of losing a loved one is horrible, but easier to get through if you have your partner to lean on. Who do you go to when that one person you had a bond with is gone? You are used to that person being there every day, sharing your experiences, keeping you company. The loss is twice as bad when suddenly you are utterly alone. My family was great the first week. Friends were supportive. But as time went by, they left me alone. I remember it hitting me sometimes on weekends and I wanted to reach out but didn't want to bother anyone, to bring them down. So I suffered alone. The first time I went to his gravesite, it took me 8 months to get up the nerve, I was alone. I cried while there. When I got home, I barely made it into the door and then cried for a half hour. I wanted a shoulder to cry on, but no one was there. Friends were outside and saw me come home, but no one came to see if I was ok. Don't feel you are intruding, the person can always tell you to leave them alone. But the fact that you cared enough to check is enough. I'm not upset that I was alone, they didn't know how it felt, but now that you have read this, you know, and you can support anyone who needs it.

Getting Through It

So what did help me through this? I turned to what I knew…aromatherapy and stone energy. I'll talk about the stones first.

One week after the funeral was a Holistic show at Gibraltar. I did the show. Why? You can only sit at home and cry so much. I needed to be around my friends at the show, I needed the support and yes, I most likely sucked up their energy while I was there. The second day, the thought came to me that I needed jet. I remembered hearing somewhere that it was traditional mourning jewelry in Victorian times. Duh, I had one necklace with jet in a silver cage. I took it off the table and put it on. I did feel better after that. I looked it up online and read its properties. I hadn't been sleeping since this happened and as jet has calming energies, I thought I should get a piece to put on my headboard. One vendor had some and I picked out a triangle piece. I cleansed it when I got home and put it on my headboard. I slept better that night. Still not great though. The next weekend was a rock show where a friend who sells meteorites was vending. I was working on a website for him and he told me he had some stones I could look through, to take some in trade for the web work. I went to the show. While there I found a beautiful cluster of smoky quartz. It called it me. I already had smoky quartz but I had to have this one too. I cleansed it and put it next to the jet. I finally slept through the night. If you use this combination to help you, be sure to cleanse them at least once a week as they absorb a lot of energy.

Jet and Smoky Quartz

My piece of jet and smoky quartz

Jet is the waterlogged wood of the prehistoric monkey puzzle tree, compacted by pressure under the sea then washed ashore during storms. Extremely light, sometimes resembles plastic. Also called black amber. Black or dark brown, unpolished it looks dull and occasionally has visible rings. Like amber, it will generate static electricity when rubbed. Be careful of black glass being sold as jet, buy only from reliable source.

Jet is calming, cooling, and balanced. Helps one to return to oneself in a gentle way. Fights depression, calms the mind, brings a feeling of being safe, comforted, and protected. Allows one to see beyond the present moment and discover hidden things. Highly polished pieces can be used as a scrying mirror. It became popular as mourning jewelry when Queen Victoria wore it while mourning the death of Prince Albert.

Jet was thought to absorb the wearer's soul so pieces were very personal. If you inherit or purchase old jet jewelry or stones, be sure to cleanse thoroughly. Associated with Cybele, Goddess of growth and plants, it can help plants to flourish. Because of its strong protection properties, High Priestess often wear a necklace with both amber and jet (like the one I created to sell). It absorbs negativity and is a very good stone to have to protect one's house. It is a special traveler's amulet to keep one safe on journeys. It was from Cunningham's book where I read that it guards against nightmares and ensures a good night's sleep. Powdered jet has been used as an incense to increase psychic powers.

Jet can be used in healing spells when combined with blue candles, lavender and sage. When worn it promotes proper energy flow within the body.

Smoky Quartz is found mountainous regions or within volcanic rocks. The color is produced when clear quartz is subjected to radioactivity, this occurs naturally or can be artificially irradiated. Color ranges from a light smoky hue to intense brown or black, but light will still pass through. If you find some black smoky quartz that no light penetrates, it definitely has been artificially treated, but is still the same crystal (I have a piece like this).

Smoky quartz releases negativity such as grief, old anger, depression, and resentment. A soothing, relaxing, grounding, and stabilizing stone. It brings calm and centering, enhances practicality, and generally removes negative energies, bringing happiness. Raises vibrations during meditation. Smoky quartz is also a good luck stone. It can also assist in tapping subconscious wisdom. Smoky quartz is a protective stone, particularly for physical protection, protection from negativity, and psychic protection. It concentrates energy and provides focus.

I used the most calming essential oil I know… lavender. I put it on my sheets at night. I wore it during the day. I had heard cypress was good for grief. I used that but not as much. For the times when I needed something to help with the emotions but not relax me as much, I wore sandalwood. Sandalwood is very soothing to the soul. I wore my favorite combo of patchouli and rose just because I liked it. I used my Citrus Bliss soap as citrus oils uplift your mood and bring joy.

I burned incense to help clear the energy in my house. Grief really brings the energy down and since I wasn't trying to hold it in, the house needed lots of clearing. But that is a good thing. Holding it in does not let one heal.

I also encourage anyone who is going through this to voice your feelings. Whenever I felt his presence, or was really sad, I talked to him. This is easier when you live alone but find a time when no one is around. And don't be afraid to yell at the deceased. I told him how mad I was at him leaving me. And I felt a little better after.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to let it out. I've seen people hold their grief in, think they have to be strong around others, feel like they have grieved enough and its time to let it go. NO. You cannot move forward until you have gone through the whole experience. You cannot heal if the wound is still open. Feel what you feel, express it, only then can you move on. The pain will be replaced with sadness, then it becomes possible to remember and honor the loved one with fondness and love.

When this first happened I look at some support groups online for those whose loved ones committed suicide. After reading their stories, and how years later they still were grieving, I decided that his actions would not rule the rest of my life.

I loved, I lost, I grieved, I moved on. You can too.


~~~~Rhiannon Rose @--^--

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Moon Phases
& Sign

Dark Moon in Leo:
July 26 - 6:42pm

Lughnasadh/Lammas
August 1

1st Quarter in Scorpio:
August 3 - 8:50pm

Lughnasash Crossquarter day:
Sun reaches 15° Leo
August 7

Full in Aquarius:
August 10 - 2:09pm
Corn Moon

My Birthday!
August 13

Last Quarter in Taurus
Void of Course:
August 17 - 8:26am

Sun enters Virgo
August 23 - 12:46am

Dark Moon in Virgo:
August 25 - 10:13am




Credit and
Butt-Kissing

Llewellyn's Witches Datebook for all moon phases

Essential Guide to Crystals by Simon & Sue Lilly

Crystals, Gem & Metal Magic by Scott Cunningham

Song Quote:

One of our favorite songs, took on new meaning for me afterwards. I was 28 when I met Brian, same age in the lyrics.

Estranged
Guns N Roses
Use Your Illusion II

When you're talkin' to yourself
And nobody's home
You can fool yourself
You came in this world alone

So nobody ever told you baby
How it was gonna be
So what'll happen to you baby
Guess we'll have to wait and see
One, two

Old at heart, but I'm only 28
And I'm much too young to let love break my heart
Young at heart, but its getting much too late
To find ourselves so far apart

I don't know how you're s'posed to fnd me lately
An what more could you ask from me
How could you say that I never needed you
When you took everything
Said you took everything from me

Young at heart, an it gets so hard to wait
When no one I know can seem to help me now
Old at heart, but I mustn't hesitate
If I'm to find my own way out

Still talkin' to myself
And nobody's home
Alone

So nobody ever told us baby
How it was going to be
So what'll happen to us baby
Guess we'll have to wait and see

When I find all of the reasons
Maybe I'll find another way
Find another day
With all the changing seasons of my life
Maybe I'll get it right next time
An now that you've been broken down
Got your head out of the clouds
You're back down on the ground
And you don't talk so loud
And you don't walk so proud
Any more, and what for

Well I jumped into the river too many times to make it home
I'm out here on my own, an drifting all alone
If it doesn't show, give it time
To read between the lines
Cause I see the storm getting closer
And the waves they get so high
Seems everything we've ever known's here
Why must it drift away and die

I'll never find anyone to replace you
Guess I'll have to make it thru
This time, oh this time
without you

I knew the storm was getting closer
And all my friends said I was high
But everything we've ever known's here
I never wanted it to die

 

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