Grief
Hello again. Its been over two years since my last
newsletter. For the first year, I just wasn't up to writing again.
For the last year, I let myself procrastinate and make excuses for
not starting them up again, even tho I had many people tell me how
much they enjoyed my newsletters. So here I am, done with excuses
and hiding. Its time to get back to doing what I love to do and to
get creative again.
Those of you who know me personally, know why I stopped.
Those who don't, here it is.
On August 30, 2011, my boyfriend of 18 years, Brian
Smith, committed suicide by shooting himself. I always knew he would,
I just didn't know when. He chose my father's 70th birthday. I don't
think he was aware of the date, it just happened that day. We had
a very weird "birthday dates meaning two things" going on.
He had gotten married on July 11 (my sister's birthday). I met him
when he was getting divorced, he filed on my birthday, August 13 (before
he knew me, just a coincidence). His birthday is March 21, exactly
a month from my brother's on February 21 and they were the same age.
And lastly, he died on my dad's birthday.
When I say I knew he would, it is because of two things.
1. He was a depressed alcoholic who always talked about it and even
told me he had the bullet set aside to do it with. He was very unhappy
with life but unable, or unwilling, to do anything to make it better.
He often told me I was the only reason he was still here, I was the
only good thing in his life. He confided in me once that he actually
had the gun out and ready to do it when he saw the picture of us on
his dresser. I think that is why he didn't say good bye to me, or
call me that day (he didn't do it until 3:00 in the afternoon). 2.
I had heard the phone conversation in my head many times before that
day. Someone saying " Can you come here, something's wrong with
Brian." "What do you mean something's wrong".
You may wonder, how do you know something like this
will happen and not do anything about it. Believe me, I tired to stop
it. I had many conversations with him "you have so much to live
for" "what do you think this would do to your family, to
me?" "please get some help". But you can't force someone
to get help, or to think differently. And his family didn't think
he was serious. "Its just the alcohol talking" "he
would never really do it" "he's fine".
He had actually quit drinking earlier that year. When
my sister was in the hospital, he went to a doctor because of something
he noticed with his hands and his face getting very red. He was a
hypochondriac, always having some pain or lump to worry about. If
someone said "I have that too" with the exact same symptoms,
he would say "this is different". He convinced himself he
was dying of something, even tho the doctor found nothing. It was
all in his head. I spend every weekend that summer looking up symptoms
for him, suggesting alternate treatments like herbs, he tried meditation,
even let me use stones on him. When I did a chakra stone layout and
used my pendulum to find where the energy was blocked, or weak, the
only place it reacted was when placed over his head.
He would not get psychiatric help. His family believed
only crazy people go to shrinks, and he wasn't crazy. What will the
neighbors think? I'm not sure that would have made a difference. The
doctor put him on stress pills, but not anti-depressants. I don't
know why, no one has an answer for me. He wouldn't let me go to the
doctor with him. I believe that he really did not enjoy life because
of outside circumstances and didn't think he could change anything
so he drank to escape. And the alcohol messed with his mind. Then
when he quit, the loss of the alcohol that his body was so used to
as he drank from the time he got up till he went to bed, messed his
brain up more.
Surviving
Why would I tell you this? Because if you know
someone who does not enjoy life, who uses alcohol or another drug
to escape instead of making changes, and talks about suicide all the
time (his friend says he was talking about it since he was 16), do
whatever you can to provide support and urge them to get help or treatment.
If you fail, at least you tried. I have peace of mind because I
tried. I tried to help him, I was there for him, I did every thing
I could in my power to help him though life. He made sure I knew that
I made a difference in his life, that he loved me, those last couple
of months. When we were together on the weekends he told me what I
meant to him, how grateful he was for all I doing to help him.
I didn't fail him, he failed me. He gave up, he left me to finish
up this life alone. I was very angry at him for that. I think I still
am. I'll never find love like that again, until the next life. He's
been here in spirit with me often, I've seen him in meditations and
journeys. But I'm only human, I'm still hurt and angry for what he
did. I understand that his soul just couldn't take it anymore, he
had to go.
So I can now use what I've been through to help others
go through it. I got through those first few days remembering how
my grandmother got through my grandfather's sudden death when I was
a teenager. I kept thinking, if she could get through it, so can I.
The best advice I can give is don't fight it, let it out. I was a
mess the three days between his death and his funeral. I didn't hold
it back. My family is used to me being the strong one, the rock. Well,
the rock crumbled. My mom and my sister took turns being with me,
trying to get me to eat. Helping me get through it. I cried more tears
than I had my entire life before this. I cried so much my chest hurt
the third day. There was only a two hour viewing before the funeral
and about every 20 minutes I was crying again. I refused to see him
in the casket (he shot himself in the head and his mother wanted an
open casket, I think only because I wanted it closed). I did finally
see him, from across the room. That was all I could do. But again,
no matter how much it hurts, you must see the loved one in that
coffin. It stops the "its all a bad dream" thoughts,
the "there is some mistake" delusions. You can't deny it
any more, and you can begin to move on. I only approached the coffin
once it once closed, with my brother on one side and my sister on
the other. I could barely walk into the room for the service.
If you know someone who is going through this, who
lost their partner in life, the person they went to for support, check
up on them. The pain of losing a loved one is horrible, but easier
to get through if you have your partner to lean on. Who do you go
to when that one person you had a bond with is gone? You are used
to that person being there every day, sharing your experiences, keeping
you company. The loss is twice as bad when suddenly you are utterly
alone. My family was great the first week. Friends were supportive.
But as time went by, they left me alone. I remember it hitting me
sometimes on weekends and I wanted to reach out but didn't want to
bother anyone, to bring them down. So I suffered alone. The first
time I went to his gravesite, it took me 8 months to get up the nerve,
I was alone. I cried while there. When I got home, I barely made it
into the door and then cried for a half hour. I wanted a shoulder
to cry on, but no one was there. Friends were outside and saw me come
home, but no one came to see if I was ok. Don't feel you are intruding,
the person can always tell you to leave them alone. But the fact that
you cared enough to check is enough. I'm not upset that I was alone,
they didn't know how it felt, but now that you have read this, you
know, and you can support anyone who needs it.
Getting Through It
So what did help me through this? I turned to what
I knew…aromatherapy and stone energy. I'll talk about the stones
first.
One week after the funeral was a Holistic show at
Gibraltar. I did the show. Why? You can only sit at home and cry so
much. I needed to be around my friends at the show, I needed the support
and yes, I most likely sucked up their energy while I was there. The
second day, the thought came to me that I needed jet. I remembered
hearing somewhere that it was traditional mourning jewelry in Victorian
times. Duh, I had one necklace with jet in a silver cage. I took it
off the table and put it on. I did feel better after that. I looked
it up online and read its properties. I hadn't been sleeping since
this happened and as jet has calming energies, I thought I should
get a piece to put on my headboard. One vendor had some and I picked
out a triangle piece. I cleansed it when I got home and put it on
my headboard. I slept better that night. Still not great though. The
next weekend was a rock show where a friend who sells meteorites was
vending. I was working on a website for him and he told me he had
some stones I could look through, to take some in trade for the web
work. I went to the show. While there I found a beautiful cluster
of smoky quartz. It called it me. I already had smoky quartz
but I had to have this one too. I cleansed it and put it next to the
jet. I finally slept through the night. If you use this combination
to help you, be sure to cleanse them at least once a week as they
absorb a lot of energy.
My piece of jet and smoky quartz
Jet is the waterlogged wood of the prehistoric
monkey puzzle tree, compacted by pressure under the sea then washed
ashore during storms. Extremely light, sometimes resembles plastic.
Also called black amber. Black or dark brown, unpolished it looks
dull and occasionally has visible rings. Like amber, it will generate
static electricity when rubbed. Be careful of black glass being sold
as jet, buy only from reliable source.
Jet is calming, cooling, and balanced. Helps one to
return to oneself in a gentle way. Fights depression, calms the mind,
brings a feeling of being safe, comforted, and protected. Allows one
to see beyond the present moment and discover hidden things. Highly
polished pieces can be used as a scrying mirror. It became popular
as mourning jewelry when Queen Victoria wore it while mourning the
death of Prince Albert.
Jet was thought to absorb the wearer's soul so pieces
were very personal. If you inherit or purchase old jet jewelry or
stones, be sure to cleanse thoroughly. Associated with Cybele, Goddess
of growth and plants, it can help plants to flourish. Because of its
strong protection properties, High Priestess often wear a necklace
with both amber and jet (like
the one I created to sell). It absorbs negativity and is a very
good stone to have to protect one's house. It is a special traveler's
amulet to keep one safe on journeys. It was from Cunningham's book
where I read that it guards against nightmares and ensures a good
night's sleep. Powdered jet has been used as an incense to increase
psychic powers.
Jet can be used in healing spells when combined with
blue candles, lavender and sage. When worn it promotes proper energy
flow within the body.
Smoky Quartz is found mountainous regions or
within volcanic rocks. The color is produced when clear quartz is
subjected to radioactivity, this occurs naturally or can be artificially
irradiated. Color ranges from a light smoky hue to intense brown or
black, but light will still pass through. If you find some black smoky
quartz that no light penetrates, it definitely has been artificially
treated, but is still the same crystal (I have a piece like this).
Smoky quartz releases negativity such as grief, old
anger, depression, and resentment. A soothing, relaxing, grounding,
and stabilizing stone. It brings calm and centering, enhances practicality,
and generally removes negative energies, bringing happiness. Raises
vibrations during meditation. Smoky quartz is also a good luck stone.
It can also assist in tapping subconscious wisdom. Smoky quartz is
a protective stone, particularly for physical protection, protection
from negativity, and psychic protection. It concentrates energy and
provides focus.
I used the most calming essential oil I know…
lavender. I put it on my sheets at night. I wore it during
the day. I had heard cypress was good for grief. I used that
but not as much. For the times when I needed something to help with
the emotions but not relax me as much, I wore sandalwood. Sandalwood
is very soothing to the soul. I wore my favorite combo of patchouli
and rose just because I liked it. I used my Citrus
Bliss soap as citrus oils uplift your mood and bring joy.
I burned incense to help clear the energy in my house.
Grief really brings the energy down and since I wasn't trying to hold
it in, the house needed lots of clearing. But that is a good thing.
Holding it in does not let one heal.
I also encourage anyone who is going through this
to voice your feelings. Whenever I felt his presence, or was
really sad, I talked to him. This is easier when you live alone but
find a time when no one is around. And don't be afraid to yell at
the deceased. I told him how mad I was at him leaving me. And I felt
a little better after.
I cannot stress enough how important it is to
let it out. I've seen people hold their grief in, think they
have to be strong around others, feel like they have grieved enough
and its time to let it go. NO. You cannot move forward until
you have gone through the whole experience. You cannot heal if the
wound is still open. Feel what you feel, express it, only then can
you move on. The pain will be replaced with sadness, then it becomes
possible to remember and honor the loved one with fondness and love.
When this first happened I look at some support groups
online for those whose loved ones committed suicide. After reading
their stories, and how years later they still were grieving, I decided
that his actions would not rule the rest of my life.
I loved, I lost, I grieved, I moved on. You can too.
~~~~Rhiannon Rose @--^--
